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I finally did it



I cut my long beautiful hair off.....It looks ok, but I'm not liking it



here it is now







meep

I hate the holidays so much. What is the point of having a dysfunctional family sit together and eat food that makes you sleepy.



Then you get tired and start to fight. Not to mention people yelling everywhere. I hate the holidays.





Oh and my birthday is soon. Isn't that great.

I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to put up with this shit anymore. I want to be able to talk to him on Sunday evenings without him bringing up his stupid game. I'm not with his character. I'm with him. I ask him nicely to put that crap away when we are in the store and he starts to get pissed off because he thinks I'm snapping at him. He tends to confuse real life with that stupid thing. I really wish that he would just stop going.



Anyways, I'm looking forward to Christmas. I have downloaded my music already and I'm thinking about just skipping out on my birthday and just not worry about things. My mom says that she thinks he will do it on Christmas Day. It would be nice if he did. I doubt that its going to happen. That would be a Chrismas wish come true. I can barely hear my music over all the fucking screaming though. I want things to be better. I guess the good part is the fact that my mom is coming out to see me tomorrow. Things can only be better when she comes to visit.



I'm getting tired(finally) and I want to lay down and take a nap. I'm not going to though. I'm just going to wait until I get home and finish dinner. Then I'm going to bed for the night.



There is something really relaxing about listening to my fingers as they go across the keyboard and the music playing.Jon was right TSO is the best when you are depressed. It is so relaxing. The nice mix between the hard guitars and the soft piano. *shudders* eargasam. I keep closing my eyes imagining the dancers moving across the stage. It really sucks that I didn't get to see them this year. I want to see them so bad and I couldn't go. Living out here has ruined a lot of the good things in my life. I don't see my friends, I haven't been to a concert in a while, and I stay home all the time. I need to start to be my old self. Not the bad parts of me, but the decent parts. The music and the fun I had. I miss all my friends and then when John brings up the fact that he doesn't actually think they are true friends I want to hit him so fucking hard. He doesn't understand the type of friendship I have. We don't just focus on one person. We are very selfish people.



I think that is all for now. I shall write more later.

Today has been the best day in a long while. I got up and called my mom, then I woke John up and made him a nice hot breakfast. After that I sat down and got somethings running on my computer. I wasn't feeling too hot so I laid down and took a nap. After that I got back on and got to work in the coven. Things were going great and we are having fun. I made a nice dinner and now I'm going to have some fun with photoshop.

So tonight I tried to lay down to take what seems to be my daily nap, and as I start to close my eyes all I can hear is banging. I roll over in hopes of drowning it out and I have no luck. So I go back out to the living room and stake out my spot by the table. I plug my laptop in and go to work on some really awesome stuff. I'm hoping in the next few days I can get it up and running without any issues. I am going through a lot of stress right now and any little project will keep my mind off things. I'm looking into learning some animation things so that I can start to work some CGI stuff. I'm going to ask a friend what he suggests and go from there. He has a few programs I know of that I think I can get a hold of easily. Plus I figure if I have to stay home to get healthy I'm better off doing something rather than napping.



Plus I have this nifty new computer to use for as long as I want. No getting off it so my boyfriend can use it. Woo-Hoo

So today I actually pulled my hair dryer out of the closet to use. I get to the back part of my hair and it starts to make this weird noise. I think it was going to blow up but I unplugged it too fast. Now I can't have my hair the way I wanted it for the job interview.



This is a bad sign.

I just turned the heat on and it seems I'm getting colder.



Must be my nerves. I have a job interview at Hot Topic today. Its like hot shit to get a job there. I hope I can get one. That way I can actually be ok buying some band shirts there and not get pissed off for paying a bunch of money. Discounts are great.

So with this business bull that I'm going through I figure there has to be at least one person on the site that deals with that type of thing.



Hopefully I can get the help I need.



This issue smells illegal.

So I wasn't feeling too hot and decided to take a shower. It helped a bit. I'm hoping that I can start feeling better soon. I think I'm feeling sick because of my stress.



If I can find some ways to get rid of stress then I should be better. Maybe if I have John give me a massage I might feel better.

So yesterday I got a check for a modeling gig I'm supposed to be doing in the next few weeks. I didn't get the check until later that night so I had to wait until today to cash it. I get woken up at 5:30 in the morning by the guy who sent me the check asking me why I haven't cashed the check yet. I told him that I got it late last night and he can wait until I can get to the bank. I went to Amscot to cash it and they told me that they can't cash the check. Nor could any place else. I now have to find a way to the bank to get it cashed. This whole thing is sounding really fishy and I need to investigate it.



Oh I have a job interview Friday. Yay

Well today I was stuck doing so much. I went and got my laptop that sorta works ok. I found out that I do in fact have cancer, and me and John got into a fight. I think we are better now, but I'm not too sure

As he was playing Dragonforce(which was my goal) I grabbed the controller from him and told him that he messed up and will now owe me something big.



Oh and I beat the game myself. I showed him by beating it on a different level..



He is scared of the blue button

So I got GH3 for me to play and my b/f decides to try it out today.



He fucking beat it before I got a chance to.





That just makes me feel so great inside

So this morning I woke up earlier than I normally do. I slept really well considering the news that I found out last night. I'm hoping things will get better for me and soon. Tomorrow I will be getting my new computer and turning in that application to Hot Topic. Then I have to call the Dr. to find out when my tests are going to be run. Hopefully I can get through them without freaking out. I hate things like that. But I have been strong so far and haven't cried. I just researched it and talked to my mom about it. She said I'll be ok. She was my age when she went through the same thing. So if she did it then I can.



I hope

Well today I got a letter from the health department. It pretty much said that something was wrong and I might have cancer. This isn't a good thing when we don't have money. I'm hoping not, but there is a good chance that I do have it.



*begs Karma to make a deal*



Let me not have anything wrong...Please?

Lately I have been dealing with nightmares. I don't think that its a metaphysical thing this time. I think it has to deal with mental health. Every one seems to be about my past.



For example the one I has last night was about someone trying to kill me with an overdose of drugs. The night before that was about my rape. It usually is about me being raped. I really think I need to go see a counselor but I don't have the money for that. Not to mention the fact my depression is kicking into high gear a lot lately. I keep crying for no reason and I can't seem to stop eating. I eat because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I keep eating it seems.



There has to be an underlying cause for this depression. Maybe I'm having the start of a mental relapse. They talked about this in group and in my counseling often and I thought it was a load of bullshit. I think it may be true now though. I feel like using, but my common sense keeps holding me back(*pats miss C.S. on the back*)



I don't want to use. I don't want to lose the one thing I love most in this world to something so stupid. I know that if I was to use I would lose John and he is the only thing that makes me smile when I'm feeling gloomy.



*kicks myself in the ass for crying again*

Today was a very interesting day to say the least. We went out to eat at a nice place. Got stuffed and then went to the mall and bought some games and he got his movie. I got Guitar Hero 3 and have almost beaten it. I have the last song to beat.



Then we went and got our costumes for the party tonight. Our ride never called or showed so we spent 70 bucks on nothing and I got painful shoes.



The most interesting part was when my grandma called to ask me if she can give my info to my father. I told her she could, though I doubt he will call me.

Lets see tonight I went to a club for the first time ever. I don't see me doing that much.



Here are the reasons why.



1) I have a fear of crowds and only can deal with them when I'm hitting people(ex:concerts)

2) I feel like I'm going to catch cancer from all the smoke in the air.

3) I don't like that type of music.

4) As I walked upstairs the song from the coven main page was playing. It creeped me out a bit

5) Random guys hitting on me.

So I took my costume off and scraped all the make-up off to get a call that someone is going to pay my way tonight. So I had to find something to wear and fast.



Black skirt, black tank top and white blouse tied up with some dark goth make up and I look like a school girl gone bad



Tonight is going to rock.





WOOT!